When Your Mind and The Mirror Don't Merge!

I know I have written a great deal about weight loss and I suppose that is because it is something that currently weighs very heavily on my mind...absolutely no pun intended.

It is interesting to me that in my mind, I am not nearly as heavy as the mirror...or camera shows. Since I am not insane, even in my mind I don't see myself as Angelina Jolie thin! However, in my mind, my stomach is not even close to reality. It is usually not until I am slapped in the face with a photograph that I see reality and I cringe. I recently had lunch at my mother's with my nephew and niece. After lunch, my step-father took a picture of us. In my mind, I looked pretty good in my summer-type dress and new haircut...then the picture was emailed to me and I was not happy. I was the fat lady! How was that possible? I certainly didn't feel like the fat lady, well not most days, and I certainly didn't think I looked like the fat lady but there it was, indisputable proof that somehow I had become the fat lady.

I wonder why our minds do that, make us believe that we are a different size than we are. I mean, I am not even slightly off in my mind from my mirror on my age nor am I delusional about my intelligence, humor, etc. Size, well, that is a totally different thing. I guess that answers the question I often hear on TV and movies, "How could she let her self get that big!" She let herself get that big because she didn't know, her mind tricked her and continues to do so.

I guess that is why I am ready to move forward with the weight loss center. Since my mind and mirror refuse to align, I can use the forced reality of a third party, a third party that makes me get on the scale in front of them and writes that number down somewhere permanent. Someone who won't weigh me next week and rationalize that I am actually 2 pounds lighter because I drank a lot of water or the heat is making me retain. Yeah, besides the supplements and diet plan, etc., I think success might lie in someone pushing reality in my face.

Of course, I suppose family could do that but it is simply not the same. My daughter, darling as she is, doesn't see me in reality either and she is afraid of hurting feelings. My husband tends to say things that I get wounded by when he tries to help. He doesn't mean them in a mean way, he just lacks full understanding and tact. He thinks he is being helpful but it hurts from a husband which makes me defensive which makes me feel inadequate which makes me feel like eating my feelings away. So, yes, a stranger with experience is definitely called for.

Since I generally do better, at least to start, when I am on my own, I think I will set an appointment for next Monday. My husband leaves for a business trip on Sunday for a week and that will allow me a week of no outside pressure to begin.

I really want this. I really need this.

Do We Truly Eat Our Pain?

Wow, this started as a blog about my new role as an empty-nester and has suddenly changed a little.

 Although maybe not that much since it also began as a look at weight gain/loss and finding out who I am.

That's why I find myself wondering about the old thought of us eating our feelings or pain. I am overwieght, that is a fact. What could be debated is the why behind it. Obviously, once becomes overweight when the amount of calories consumed surpasses the amount of calories burned but I am not talking about that. I am talking about what causes the cause to happen. Oh I am sure there are plenty of people out there who will gladly tell you that people who are overweight are obviously lazy and eat everything in sight. Those people are wrong. I am not lazy nor have I ever been. When my children were young, I was very active with them and made sure that our days were filled with activity. I also kept my house cleaned and volunteered. As they got older, I took on a very physical job because it was the only thing available to me that would allow me to work around their schedules. Even today, I stay active and volunteers often but yet, my weight has always been too much and continues to grow. So I am not lazy.

 Do I eat all of the time? No, I don't think that I eat more than others but then again I have heard of unaware eating. This is eating without really being aware or eating more than one is aware of. Maybe that is what happens...however, even when I was on a restricitve diet and wrote down everything I ate, weight still did not come off.

 That is why I think there is more to it. I think that there is something to our emotions manifesting in a physical way. I think that all of the childhood issues and current issues that I deal with literally weigh on me. I think that until I can release my memories and pain and emotions and true feelings, I will continue to have this wall of weight around me no matter what I eat or how much I exercise. I know that people will disagree with me but I believe that it is all connected.

My cousin keeps pushing me towards therapy and I know she is right but I also am fearful. I believe in therapy and counsel my client families. For me though, I am afraid because the wall has been up for so long, the silence has been ingrained for so long. I am also afraid because I don't know where to begin or if I should tell everything. I am also afraid because I have been damaged, stunted, incomplete for so long that I fear changing that. I know that sounds crazy but you get very used to the way things are even if the way they are is wrong. I do plan to contact the weight loss center and get signed on but I fear whether I will have results or not if I don't deal with the underlying issues.
 I will try.
 I will try.

Why are you always so sensitive?

Why are you always so sensitive? How many times have I heard that question? How many times have I never answered that question?

Any criticism of me or my actions is always taken so deeply to heart. I take that criticism and really run with it. I will then mentally flog myself and judge myself so much more harshly than you ever did. I am intelligent enough to realize this behavior annoys those around me that love me enough to notice. I am damaged enough to not be able to stop it.

You see, other people can do or say something unintentionally stupid, something minor, and laugh it off and move on. I can't. I feel the judgment so very deeply and intensify it all on my own. It emotionally destroys me to feel the judgment or just irritation of others. It is this hyper-sensitivity that causes those who notice it, to ask with irritation why I am so sensitive, get over it.

That sounds like a pretty simple question but I have never really answered it, not completely. I will attempt to answer it now.

When you spend your entire childhood being judged, especially judged unfairly, you build up sensitivities. These sensitivities are not rational and they come from a place of damage. My father damaged me...in so many ways. He left me ill-equipped to handle so many things from an emotional standpoint. I am not yet ready to get into all of the actual damage he caused. I do know that he is the reason I am so sensitive, especially to criticism.

You see, when someone criticizes or points out a wrong about me, the little girl inside feels it so deeply, like a blow to the stomach. That little girl begins to feel that she is never good enough, that she is unworthy of love and should be put away by herself. That little girl doesn't know how to handle minor criticism. She only knows what she was taught and what she was taught was that she is bad and stupid and that while others will punish her severely, she is expected to punish herself as well. She cries. She cries alone. She wishes someone would see the damage yet she hides it, she wishes someone would repair the damage, yet she masks it.

You ask why am I always so sensitive? Well, I am so sensitive because the wounds have never been able to heal.

Weight Update

I spoke about options last time (and yes, I realize it has been a while). I found out, short of a huge cash windfall from no where, surgery is not an option as my insurance does not cover any part of it. Before I get on to the next option, I would like to address that. I really do not understand why insurance covers no part of it, not even the 80-20 coverage. I hear constantly on the news about the millions of dollars that obese people cost from a medical standpoint. Yet, they could spend 8000-10000 dollars once and wouldn't that be cheaper? I really do not get it.

I am pretty sure I am going to check out the Houston Weight Loss center. My daughter's friend went and had success and all of the reviews online that I have read are positive. I am just so tired of the struggle. Of course my cousin tells me the root of my weight issues is anchored in other things. I know she is right but I am not yet ready to deal with that. I just want the weight to be gone.

I am also thinking I will check out the Dukan Diet 2 book. I figure it is at least worth a read until I am able to get a consultation at the center.

If you have never been the fat girl, count your blessings. Being the fat girl is simply not fun. I was never the fat girl growing up so I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to be slender, attractive, and feel good physically. I miss that. I miss all of that.

 I really want that again.

Options

As I am attempting to lose weight, I find myself frustrated and slightly unsure. Neither of these feelings are enjoyable for me.

 I was trying with the 6-week Body Makeover. However, I was simply not getting results while on a very restrictive diet. This plan does not allow salt, sugar, dairy, fat, oil, etc. Basically one can have only a select few fruit types, a couple of different complex carbs, some select few lean proteins and many vegetables. It becomes very tedious and boring, especially when your weight is not really moving much. I had an initial small loss but nothing since.

 If I have discovered anything in my weight loss journeys, it is that when I am feeling frustrated, I cannot stick to a restrictive plan. I can do anything if I am seeing results. With that said, I am looking at a few options.

One is the new to the US Dukan Diet. While this seems somewhat restrictive, it does include pretty much unlimited portions of protein (my favorite). I have read good reviews and a few not so good reviews. I do know that I can get the book for $12 for my Nook. I am seriously considering getting it and at least checking it out. The second option is a local weight loss center. This place combines specific calorie and diet plans, vitamin supplements, exercise plans, and shots of a B-complex twice a month. I have also read good reviews for them and my daughter's friend has lost weight since going there. It has an initial $99 fee for blood work and everything and it appears to have a fee for about $75 a month for visits, consultations, and shots.

 My cousin has tried the medi-fast plan and lost over 100 pounds but the food for that is over $300 a month which is pretty expensive, especially considering a lot of that food is shakes.

I have also seriously considered having the surgery. My friend's daughter had it and now looks fabulous! I know it was hard for her in the beginning to adjust to but she did and it has worked. Of course I can't do this unless insurance will pay for it and I currently have no idea whether they will or not. I know that would be hard in the very beginning but I just think that I have been overweight for so long that maybe surgery is the only option left for me.

 People who are not or never have had true weight problems, really do not get it. I have had people think that I am just lazy or have no control. This could not be further from the truth. Even someone very near to me had a maddening response to my latest frustration. When I mentioned that I had been restricting so much to no avail, he said that I needed to try harder and just eat right and it would work. Really! Really! If you have never struggled, do not pretend to know what it is like. I have been in restriction mode and gained weight while the person next to me eats junk and loses 3 pounds.

I really don't know which of the options to choose. I just know that I don't want to live in this body any more. I don't want to be the fat girl every where I go. I don't want the first descriptive word used for me to be heavy. I don't want people to make wrong assumptions about me based on my weight any more. Of course, it goes beyond just the appearance factor. I know that I will feel physically better and be better able to do things I want to do. I have begun to realize I get short of breath doing things that shouldn't cause that! I also know that I will feel psychologically better as well. Yes, the rational part of me gets what a benefit weight loss would be. I just can't get the physical to fall in line. It is not happening.

So which do I choose? My current thinking is that I will start with the cheapest (Dukan Diet) and work my way up to surgery if needed.

 I will post updates!

Is Kindness Old-Fashioned?

I caught myself thinking last night about things that go out of fashion and I wondered if kindness is in that category. Now this thought isn't quite as random as it sounds. This musing was actually fueled by the observations I have made of people. There is a man in my church choir who is always saying unkind things and acting in an unkind manner. There is a woman at my work who overreacts to every situation and as a result, acts very unkindly. I encounter people almost every day who act in unkind ways, sometimes obliviously and sometimes purposefully. Why? Not only is being unkind a waste of one's energy but it is so destructive! I understand that things fall out of fashion all of the time but can kindness really be one of those things? It takes so little to be kind and yet it means so much. Perhaps if we just each took a moment before we reacted and chose to react more kindly, we could really change a situation. For instance, the woman at work I mentioned, I really want to be rather aloof to her because of how she behaves but instead I make the decision to be kind and upbeat. My hope is that she will begin to model this behavior back to me. I am beginning to see the tiniest indication that perhaps this is working. Here is my wish, that everyone put just a little more kindness into their actions and see what spreads. It is up to each of us to keep kindness from going out of style.
I know, you are thinking, what does this have to do with my original blog theme...I think kindness is, or should be, a part of everything. Kindness people!

25% Ain't Half...Bad!

When I began this process, I decided that I wasn't going to overwhelm myself with the huge, big picture goals. I decided to set smaller goals that seemed easier to handle. When it comes to weight loss, I am setting the true goal of 20 pounds. My plan is that once I reach that goal, I will assess how I feel and look and then decide if another goal is needed.
 Well, after one week of the 6-week Body Makeover plan, I am down 5 pounds! Woo! Let's take a moment to celebrate that!
That means that I am 1/4 of the way to my goal. Now doesn't that sound better than looking at some huge overwhelming goal? I realize that I can't lose 5 pounds every week and, of course, I realize that the likelihood of setting many new weight loss goals in the future is pretty much 100%, but if we don't accept and celebrate each victory, no matter the size, then how can we ever stay encouraged enough to truly attain all of our goals including the big picture ones?
 Even better, I checked more fully into the plan and refreshed my memory with it all and realized there are so many vegetables that are considered freebies and balsamic vinegar (even the flavored ones) is perfectly fine. I am already planning the glazes that I can now put on chicken!
I guess the bottom line here is that I have to celebrate each step towards a better me. Even if this 5 pounds is not noticed by anyone but me, I must celebrate it. I remember getting frustrated once before when I had lost about 20 pounds and my daughter had lost about 8. Everyone noticed and remarked on her loss and no one, not one single person, even noticed mine. I realized, even then, that it is easier to notice an 8 pound loss on someone who only needs to lose about 10 or 12 than it is to notice a 20 pound loss on someone who needs to a lot more than that. Even knowing this, it was hard not to become discouraged.
That's why this will be different. Even though I am an extrovert, which by definition means I need outside stimulation, this time I will call on myself for the encouragement and celebration needed.
I believe that is part of what this new journey of mine is about, to learn to focus on me and let how I feel be enough.
I can't promise that I can report a 5 pound loss every week (wouldn't that be awesome!) but I will report a loss. I am also adding in exercise this week in the form of bike riding and some boxing on my heavy bag.
So yeah, reaching 25% of my goal ain't half but it ain't half bad either!

How Long Does It Take To Empty a Nest Anyway?

As I mentioned before, I am currently in the introductory phase of the empty nest. However, I am wondering just how long it takes to empty a nest.
 It is not that I am in a hurry to get rid of my oldest and newly married daughter. The truth of the matter is that I miss having her down the hall and our evenings spent together but I am also excited about the prospect of having my home office back with a true workspace and I also find that I have been getting more rest by going to bed a little earlier.
The home office I mention continues to be a work in progress, held in limbo somewhere between an office, a bedroom, and a mess! I guess my office condition is kind of a metaphor for me right now as well. I am caught between being a mom, a wife, and yes, a mess.
 Perhaps that is why this transition of the empty nest office is taking the course that it is, to teach me a lesson about my future. This office space has things that must be thrown out or given away for good, it must be redesigned and furnished, it has things in it that must be released, it has emptiness and it has promise.
 I like to think that is what my journey involves as well. There are things I must throw out that have been cluttering my psyche for far too long. These things of old have acted as barriers to my evolution, hampering my courage and confidence. There are things that I need to give away such as knowledge, friendship, and control. I bring knowledge to my clients who need it and know that I must do this more.
I have spent so many years being a mom, just living until the next milestone, that I forgot to live every day for what it is and to find and cultivate friendships. Friendship is so important and I have forgotten to give that away. My new life requires a new design and new furnishings. I need to figure out what this new blueprint will look like. As for new furnishings, well, I spent so many years making sure that everyone else came first that I hardly made a purchase of any clothing for myself that wasn't on sale, or rather on clearance. I realize I really need to refurnish myself through a decent wardrobe. I really do want to project who I am, or plan to be, on the outside. I also need to release a lot of things, not the least of which is the extra weight I have been carrying.
So I guess the bedroom to office, full-nest to empty-nest, transformation is teaching me that everything is a process and not a singular act. This is something I tell my clients all of the time but it is sinking in for me today. We tend to not reach our goals because they seem so overwhelming.
 Loosing all of the pounds I need to is mind-boggling! I can't do that is what my mind screams. Yet if I think of it as a transformative process where I set a goal of losing 20 pounds, not 20 then 20 then 20, etc., but truly make my goal to lose 20 pounds and then see how life feels. The process then doesn't seem so overwhelming. If, instead of placing all of these big picture goals before myself with the pressure that comes with them, I place small goals in each area and truly appreciate reaching those small goals, then maybe the process becomes a little more doable.
 So that is what I have decided to do, treat my life transformation the same way we are treating the office transformation, one small step at a time. I will enjoy each goal reached and decide then if a new goal is needed.
 So how long does it take to empty a nest...as long as it takes! Everything is a process.

Hello World

This is my first blog although I am a veteran at journals and notebooks. I felt like it was time, time for a lot of things. Allow me to give you a brief introduction to who I am. Who I am has always been defined by who I am in relation to someone else. The first part of my life defined me as someone's daughter. When I got married I became defined as someone's wife and the majority of my life has been defined as being someone's mother.
 Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and being a mother has always been such a privilege and joy but I now find myself in an interesting situation, unsure of how to define myself. I graduated from college less than a year ago (a slow but sweet degree course). My youngest daughter is living away from home and my oldest daughter just got married and moved out with her new husband. This new situation is how I came up with the address name for my blog, Empty Nest...Full Belly.
 I find myself living in a house alone with my husband, something I haven't done in 25 years and I am just a little unsure on how we go from here. This is the empty nest part of it. The full belly part of it is that I also find myself pretty overweight. How I got here is a combination of things from unresolved childhood traumas to stress eating to habit but all of that tracks back to me not really knowing how to put myself first and be a little selfish. I guess that is what this blog will be about.
It will be about how one fills an empty nest with new marital connections and new connections with other people. It will be about finding my way with my new degree and attempting to make a difference in the life of families and people in general. It will be about my journey towards a healthier and smaller body. It will also most likely be about things I am passionate about or things that I feel are holding weight or anxiety on me. It will be about me, the me I am prepared to find. I am excited about the journey and excited to share it. Who knows, maybe my journey can help someone else along their path. So yes, hello world, this is me.
 Shall we discover together who I am?