I know I have written a great deal about weight loss and I suppose that is because it is something that currently weighs very heavily on my mind...absolutely no pun intended.
It is interesting to me that in my mind, I am not nearly as heavy as the mirror...or camera shows. Since I am not insane, even in my mind I don't see myself as Angelina Jolie thin! However, in my mind, my stomach is not even close to reality. It is usually not until I am slapped in the face with a photograph that I see reality and I cringe. I recently had lunch at my mother's with my nephew and niece. After lunch, my step-father took a picture of us. In my mind, I looked pretty good in my summer-type dress and new haircut...then the picture was emailed to me and I was not happy. I was the fat lady! How was that possible? I certainly didn't feel like the fat lady, well not most days, and I certainly didn't think I looked like the fat lady but there it was, indisputable proof that somehow I had become the fat lady.
I wonder why our minds do that, make us believe that we are a different size than we are. I mean, I am not even slightly off in my mind from my mirror on my age nor am I delusional about my intelligence, humor, etc. Size, well, that is a totally different thing. I guess that answers the question I often hear on TV and movies, "How could she let her self get that big!" She let herself get that big because she didn't know, her mind tricked her and continues to do so.
I guess that is why I am ready to move forward with the weight loss center. Since my mind and mirror refuse to align, I can use the forced reality of a third party, a third party that makes me get on the scale in front of them and writes that number down somewhere permanent. Someone who won't weigh me next week and rationalize that I am actually 2 pounds lighter because I drank a lot of water or the heat is making me retain. Yeah, besides the supplements and diet plan, etc., I think success might lie in someone pushing reality in my face.
Of course, I suppose family could do that but it is simply not the same. My daughter, darling as she is, doesn't see me in reality either and she is afraid of hurting feelings. My husband tends to say things that I get wounded by when he tries to help. He doesn't mean them in a mean way, he just lacks full understanding and tact. He thinks he is being helpful but it hurts from a husband which makes me defensive which makes me feel inadequate which makes me feel like eating my feelings away. So, yes, a stranger with experience is definitely called for.
Since I generally do better, at least to start, when I am on my own, I think I will set an appointment for next Monday. My husband leaves for a business trip on Sunday for a week and that will allow me a week of no outside pressure to begin.
I really want this. I really need this.
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