Why are you always so sensitive?

Why are you always so sensitive? How many times have I heard that question? How many times have I never answered that question?

Any criticism of me or my actions is always taken so deeply to heart. I take that criticism and really run with it. I will then mentally flog myself and judge myself so much more harshly than you ever did. I am intelligent enough to realize this behavior annoys those around me that love me enough to notice. I am damaged enough to not be able to stop it.

You see, other people can do or say something unintentionally stupid, something minor, and laugh it off and move on. I can't. I feel the judgment so very deeply and intensify it all on my own. It emotionally destroys me to feel the judgment or just irritation of others. It is this hyper-sensitivity that causes those who notice it, to ask with irritation why I am so sensitive, get over it.

That sounds like a pretty simple question but I have never really answered it, not completely. I will attempt to answer it now.

When you spend your entire childhood being judged, especially judged unfairly, you build up sensitivities. These sensitivities are not rational and they come from a place of damage. My father damaged me...in so many ways. He left me ill-equipped to handle so many things from an emotional standpoint. I am not yet ready to get into all of the actual damage he caused. I do know that he is the reason I am so sensitive, especially to criticism.

You see, when someone criticizes or points out a wrong about me, the little girl inside feels it so deeply, like a blow to the stomach. That little girl begins to feel that she is never good enough, that she is unworthy of love and should be put away by herself. That little girl doesn't know how to handle minor criticism. She only knows what she was taught and what she was taught was that she is bad and stupid and that while others will punish her severely, she is expected to punish herself as well. She cries. She cries alone. She wishes someone would see the damage yet she hides it, she wishes someone would repair the damage, yet she masks it.

You ask why am I always so sensitive? Well, I am so sensitive because the wounds have never been able to heal.