Do We Truly Eat Our Pain?

Wow, this started as a blog about my new role as an empty-nester and has suddenly changed a little.

 Although maybe not that much since it also began as a look at weight gain/loss and finding out who I am.

That's why I find myself wondering about the old thought of us eating our feelings or pain. I am overwieght, that is a fact. What could be debated is the why behind it. Obviously, once becomes overweight when the amount of calories consumed surpasses the amount of calories burned but I am not talking about that. I am talking about what causes the cause to happen. Oh I am sure there are plenty of people out there who will gladly tell you that people who are overweight are obviously lazy and eat everything in sight. Those people are wrong. I am not lazy nor have I ever been. When my children were young, I was very active with them and made sure that our days were filled with activity. I also kept my house cleaned and volunteered. As they got older, I took on a very physical job because it was the only thing available to me that would allow me to work around their schedules. Even today, I stay active and volunteers often but yet, my weight has always been too much and continues to grow. So I am not lazy.

 Do I eat all of the time? No, I don't think that I eat more than others but then again I have heard of unaware eating. This is eating without really being aware or eating more than one is aware of. Maybe that is what happens...however, even when I was on a restricitve diet and wrote down everything I ate, weight still did not come off.

 That is why I think there is more to it. I think that there is something to our emotions manifesting in a physical way. I think that all of the childhood issues and current issues that I deal with literally weigh on me. I think that until I can release my memories and pain and emotions and true feelings, I will continue to have this wall of weight around me no matter what I eat or how much I exercise. I know that people will disagree with me but I believe that it is all connected.

My cousin keeps pushing me towards therapy and I know she is right but I also am fearful. I believe in therapy and counsel my client families. For me though, I am afraid because the wall has been up for so long, the silence has been ingrained for so long. I am also afraid because I don't know where to begin or if I should tell everything. I am also afraid because I have been damaged, stunted, incomplete for so long that I fear changing that. I know that sounds crazy but you get very used to the way things are even if the way they are is wrong. I do plan to contact the weight loss center and get signed on but I fear whether I will have results or not if I don't deal with the underlying issues.
 I will try.
 I will try.

Why are you always so sensitive?

Why are you always so sensitive? How many times have I heard that question? How many times have I never answered that question?

Any criticism of me or my actions is always taken so deeply to heart. I take that criticism and really run with it. I will then mentally flog myself and judge myself so much more harshly than you ever did. I am intelligent enough to realize this behavior annoys those around me that love me enough to notice. I am damaged enough to not be able to stop it.

You see, other people can do or say something unintentionally stupid, something minor, and laugh it off and move on. I can't. I feel the judgment so very deeply and intensify it all on my own. It emotionally destroys me to feel the judgment or just irritation of others. It is this hyper-sensitivity that causes those who notice it, to ask with irritation why I am so sensitive, get over it.

That sounds like a pretty simple question but I have never really answered it, not completely. I will attempt to answer it now.

When you spend your entire childhood being judged, especially judged unfairly, you build up sensitivities. These sensitivities are not rational and they come from a place of damage. My father damaged me...in so many ways. He left me ill-equipped to handle so many things from an emotional standpoint. I am not yet ready to get into all of the actual damage he caused. I do know that he is the reason I am so sensitive, especially to criticism.

You see, when someone criticizes or points out a wrong about me, the little girl inside feels it so deeply, like a blow to the stomach. That little girl begins to feel that she is never good enough, that she is unworthy of love and should be put away by herself. That little girl doesn't know how to handle minor criticism. She only knows what she was taught and what she was taught was that she is bad and stupid and that while others will punish her severely, she is expected to punish herself as well. She cries. She cries alone. She wishes someone would see the damage yet she hides it, she wishes someone would repair the damage, yet she masks it.

You ask why am I always so sensitive? Well, I am so sensitive because the wounds have never been able to heal.

Weight Update

I spoke about options last time (and yes, I realize it has been a while). I found out, short of a huge cash windfall from no where, surgery is not an option as my insurance does not cover any part of it. Before I get on to the next option, I would like to address that. I really do not understand why insurance covers no part of it, not even the 80-20 coverage. I hear constantly on the news about the millions of dollars that obese people cost from a medical standpoint. Yet, they could spend 8000-10000 dollars once and wouldn't that be cheaper? I really do not get it.

I am pretty sure I am going to check out the Houston Weight Loss center. My daughter's friend went and had success and all of the reviews online that I have read are positive. I am just so tired of the struggle. Of course my cousin tells me the root of my weight issues is anchored in other things. I know she is right but I am not yet ready to deal with that. I just want the weight to be gone.

I am also thinking I will check out the Dukan Diet 2 book. I figure it is at least worth a read until I am able to get a consultation at the center.

If you have never been the fat girl, count your blessings. Being the fat girl is simply not fun. I was never the fat girl growing up so I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to be slender, attractive, and feel good physically. I miss that. I miss all of that.

 I really want that again.

Options

As I am attempting to lose weight, I find myself frustrated and slightly unsure. Neither of these feelings are enjoyable for me.

 I was trying with the 6-week Body Makeover. However, I was simply not getting results while on a very restrictive diet. This plan does not allow salt, sugar, dairy, fat, oil, etc. Basically one can have only a select few fruit types, a couple of different complex carbs, some select few lean proteins and many vegetables. It becomes very tedious and boring, especially when your weight is not really moving much. I had an initial small loss but nothing since.

 If I have discovered anything in my weight loss journeys, it is that when I am feeling frustrated, I cannot stick to a restrictive plan. I can do anything if I am seeing results. With that said, I am looking at a few options.

One is the new to the US Dukan Diet. While this seems somewhat restrictive, it does include pretty much unlimited portions of protein (my favorite). I have read good reviews and a few not so good reviews. I do know that I can get the book for $12 for my Nook. I am seriously considering getting it and at least checking it out. The second option is a local weight loss center. This place combines specific calorie and diet plans, vitamin supplements, exercise plans, and shots of a B-complex twice a month. I have also read good reviews for them and my daughter's friend has lost weight since going there. It has an initial $99 fee for blood work and everything and it appears to have a fee for about $75 a month for visits, consultations, and shots.

 My cousin has tried the medi-fast plan and lost over 100 pounds but the food for that is over $300 a month which is pretty expensive, especially considering a lot of that food is shakes.

I have also seriously considered having the surgery. My friend's daughter had it and now looks fabulous! I know it was hard for her in the beginning to adjust to but she did and it has worked. Of course I can't do this unless insurance will pay for it and I currently have no idea whether they will or not. I know that would be hard in the very beginning but I just think that I have been overweight for so long that maybe surgery is the only option left for me.

 People who are not or never have had true weight problems, really do not get it. I have had people think that I am just lazy or have no control. This could not be further from the truth. Even someone very near to me had a maddening response to my latest frustration. When I mentioned that I had been restricting so much to no avail, he said that I needed to try harder and just eat right and it would work. Really! Really! If you have never struggled, do not pretend to know what it is like. I have been in restriction mode and gained weight while the person next to me eats junk and loses 3 pounds.

I really don't know which of the options to choose. I just know that I don't want to live in this body any more. I don't want to be the fat girl every where I go. I don't want the first descriptive word used for me to be heavy. I don't want people to make wrong assumptions about me based on my weight any more. Of course, it goes beyond just the appearance factor. I know that I will feel physically better and be better able to do things I want to do. I have begun to realize I get short of breath doing things that shouldn't cause that! I also know that I will feel psychologically better as well. Yes, the rational part of me gets what a benefit weight loss would be. I just can't get the physical to fall in line. It is not happening.

So which do I choose? My current thinking is that I will start with the cheapest (Dukan Diet) and work my way up to surgery if needed.

 I will post updates!